Temptation and desperation. It went so well together, it was harmful. There it was, lying there. I watched the screen turns black and reached out for it, but told myself not to touch it. I am stronger than this. I don't need this metal to complete myself. All I need was me, sitting here, and write down my thoughts. I cannot finish a piece. Why is that? I've been doing so well, too well I fell. Think about it more, I told myself. My heart begins to quicken. My mouth sealed shut. What was I doing? Thinking became my maze. What happened? I do not know.
I looked at the clock, the actions repeat. Heart raced faster, and the room got more silent only to be consumed with Ed Sheeran's voice. Monday, it was all due on Monday I reminded myself. How am I supposed to be done everything on Monday? Stupid. What? Stupid, you should've done all of this in time. You left it all last minute that's what happened.... oh
I couldn't speak and I was confused. I had no idea what was happening and it just felt like Spotify's advertisement made it so much worse. As the seconds goes by with the ad, I felt the need to runaway from it. The music just kept getting louder as it kept playing faster, I couldn't contain myself. Everything came crashing down and I don't know what's happening to me. It's not a panic attack, I think. It's just a sense of reality hitting me way too hard. I didn't spend my time properly. I couldn't finish things I needed to. I'm just going to write and keep on writing.
This is one of only time I feel super vulnerable right now because I would always be able to keep myself together but at the moment, I am everywhere. Temptation and desperation? I don't even know why I wrote that. Maybe it's the temptation to find an easy solution to finish all of this. Find ways to get help and do less work. I knew that was definitely something I'm not going to do. It showed my sign of desperation. I want things to be done, but at the end of the day, these work needs my own stuff.
This is actually concerning me that I am freaking out about writing this much. I probably should take a break, but there's many more things I need to work on. If you are reading this, congratulations, you survived World War Three.