Here's the thing....I have commitment issues I am so inconsistent. I thought the more that I grew as a person like I believed I did, the more I would see things clearer. This moment in my life feels more heavier than any other obstacles that I have ever had to face. Though, at the end of the day, it still feels like most things that occurred came out of selfishness and the act of cowardliness. The amounts of "I's" that was in the first two sentences should proven my point. But here's the thing.... I am not okay.University is such a transitional period in my life, but a very important one. I don't think I've ever cried as much in my entire life (that I remember of to be honest) as I have the past 2 weeks. The fact that I am living away from my parents and having to worry about the expenses of school because it's expensive is a lot. I don't want to stress my parents out, I don't think anyone wants to ever put extra pressure on their parents especially when they already have a lot on their hands. Everything that they've done for me is for my future and they know that things will look better but the steps along the way currently are just falling behind like a dream ready to be woken up to reality that never came true. There's many times in my life where I wonder if this is all meant to be. Yeah, I always say that everything happens for a reason, but maybe this reason wasn't meant to be a good one. "Go back home!""You're not ready for this!"I've never felt ready for it. I don't think I ever will. Having to learn to make calls, book for appointments and being addressed as "ma'am," this is all new to me. It's the world I'm dipping my toes in and I'm not sure if I should decide to dive instead and possibly drown.
Honestly though, if I knew that flying out would be this difficult, I would've taken my time and let my wings spread whenever it's ready to. But I don't mean that. I need this so that I can learn and grow but the hardships I'm facing is something that I just don't want to go through again. But I will because it's part of life and I have to face it now or later, it's just coming at me in different angles and situations that again will probably shape me as person. To be honest, at this point, I am not too sure what I am writing because it's late plus my headspace is not in a place where concentration is its best friend. It's funny though every time I start writing again (for like 10 minutes), I wonder why I ever stopped. It's something I quite enjoy and I feel a little more relieved compared to the beginning. Maybe writing down how my school year is going can help me look to reflect who I am as a person in the future. This will be all for now, wish me luck. Please, I need it.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
authorI'm Chali, an 18 year old girl, simply writing to find herself Process
April 2017
Categories |