Here's the thing....
I have commitment issues
I am so inconsistent. I thought the more that I grew as a person like I believed I did, the more I would see things clearer. This moment in my life feels more heavier than any other obstacles that I have ever had to face. Though, at the end of the day, it still feels like most things that occurred came out of selfishness and the act of cowardliness. The amounts of "I's" that was in the first two sentences should proven my point.
But here's the thing.... I am not okay.
University is such a transitional period in my life, but a very important one. I don't think I've ever cried as much in my entire life (that I remember of to be honest) as I have the past 2 weeks. The fact that I am living away from my parents and having to worry about the expenses of school because it's expensive is a lot. I don't want to stress my parents out, I don't think anyone wants to ever put extra pressure on their parents especially when they already have a lot on their hands. Everything that they've done for me is for my future and they know that things will look better but the steps along the way currently are just falling behind like a dream ready to be woken up to reality that never came true.
There's many times in my life where I wonder if this is all meant to be. Yeah, I always say that everything happens for a reason, but maybe this reason wasn't meant to be a good one.
"Go back home!"
"You're not ready for this!"
I've never felt ready for it. I don't think I ever will. Having to learn to make calls, book for appointments and being addressed as "ma'am," this is all new to me. It's the world I'm dipping my toes in and I'm not sure if I should decide to dive instead and possibly drown.
Honestly though, if I knew that flying out would be this difficult, I would've taken my time and let my wings spread whenever it's ready to.
But I don't mean that.
I need this so that I can learn and grow but the hardships I'm facing is something that I just don't want to go through again. But I will because it's part of life and I have to face it now or later, it's just coming at me in different angles and situations that again will probably shape me as person.
To be honest, at this point, I am not too sure what I am writing because it's late plus my headspace is not in a place where concentration is its best friend.
It's funny though every time I start writing again (for like 10 minutes), I wonder why I ever stopped. It's something I quite enjoy and I feel a little more relieved compared to the beginning. Maybe writing down how my school year is going can help me look to reflect who I am as a person in the future.
This will be all for now, wish me luck.
Please, I need it.
I promised you something in October and I realized that I never got back here.
Drafts over drafts, writing has taken place but no publications made it. Again, things just never felt right or good enough. It's been over a year since I started this whole thing and yet, I can't grab a hold of what I'm trying to do.
Is commitment a problem? Was I lazy? Or was I just running out of things to write about? To answer all of that, I don't really know. Writing has always been something that's constantly there for me and a way to express but I guess it got to the point where the content I wrote was not something good enough to show everyone.
During the times that I was gone, a lot happened and writing about it was too much. There were many times that I wanted to come back here and just write everything I had to say but deep down I knew that it wouldn't work out.
Not gonna lie, it just feels like I'm alone in this journey, writing it all out. No one is really there with me and all the stuff that has been said is just for myself, to look back to of course.
All my life, I've been used to reading about my writing over and over again and having a few of those in my life enter this world. Showing people what I write about, deep or not, is vulnerability. I'm giving part of my life to those that read it and their reaction to it is not something someone can control.
I think that one of the reasons I am able to write this right now (and I'm hoping I post this) is because I thought of blogging again- even if I'm terrible at it. I was going to start all over with another website but trying to pick a name for it set me back. I couldn't let go of Khoutra and I don't think that will ever be possible.
This place, the blog I'm attempted to keep, is mine. Something special and it'll always be Something New. No matter where I take this or what you take out of this whole thing, I really am trying to keep writing. And I will, I'll share my stories, emotions, experience-all of it.
I honestly will be back and I am going to try to write every week. If I don't commit to this, what will I commit to.
When life starts being great, do you stop to notice the action, or do you keep going because you fear the momentum will stop? Life is playing itself, meaning it's rolling around just the way it should. New semester just started and it's going well....for the first day of class at least.
My classes seem interesting in its own ways, surprisingly even math and science. I know numerous of people in my class and I surround myself in an environment where I am comfortable. Although the people are nice in the class, I am quite scared about the courses itself. I have doubts about understanding something and succeeding through those tasks because of its complexity. With these complexity, I am prepared to learn and struggle, but what's the breaking point? Will I understand everything enough to pass the course? At this point in time, somehow marks don't matter too much for me and it doesn't have as much influence as it did before. Like said, I'm just super worried about the content and my understanding. Though, I am willing to learn. I know I got this in me to pass. I can do it, I just remember that I have to give my all.
Knowing that the new semester started, I also got to find out my marks from the first semester. Although, I'm not going to talk about my exact marks, I am quite surprised with the marks I've received (in a good way!) This is because I knew that I tried my very best in each class and the work has paid off.
With work continuing from last semester until now, Positive Reflection is heading into the right direction. Since it was successful from just doing it at our school, our project is now expanding to the entire region (high schools for now). I was informed today that the vinyl decals arrived and are in the hands of our principal to send to our local radio station, 105.3 KOOL FM. It's such an exciting event to be able to get involved in and Julissa and I are even starting to possibly look at research for the boys. I don't know how well that will go since it's not something we can super relate to but we will try our best. So far, I thought of the name of their project which is just, Positive Reflection MX. It looks cool as a hashtag and it sounds cool so I thought, why not.
Also, I just want to say I'm excited to write and continue on this blog because it's an opportunity for me to continue to practice my skills and improve. Recently, I found an old story I worked on in the past few years and I enjoyed writing it until I made a hole for myself and got stuck with no writings done. I wanted to get back to writing it and realized that half of my work was erased. It made me pretty upset that it happened since I had it for over two years, but I'm going to find a positive note to it which is that those lost work will now be my motivation. I will challenge myself to make the pieces even better and hopefully successful. I hope I can finish the series I started here and also my other stories. It is my goal and dream to finish a novel that I would enjoy myself so fingers crossed for the future!
By this point, I don't exactly know if people still read my blog, but that's okay because in a way, I'm writing this for myself. Although, if you are here and you do read my stuff. Thank you because you are also part of my motivation. Keep doing what your heart desires and be happy.
This is it, the 30th post. Should I try to write something fancy? I learned a lot about myself during the time I got to build up this blog. Writing has become my go to thing when expressing myself and I feel that I am exploring and improving my skills with posting on Khoutra. I hope that everyone enjoys their time here in my blog and like the work I put out every few weeks. It is an incredible experience for me to be in Futures Forum class because I felt that I won't get that much opportunity to write whatever I want in class afterwards, so I just want to make sure that everyone knows how appreciative I am of this course.
I want to continue this blog as long as I can because I truly enjoy writing posts! Blogs are almost like a diary. You can write and post almost anything and I feel that it's a good feeling to be able to express yourself verbally.
I'm trying not to make this blog post long because I don't want to make it feel like a goodbye post or that I am going to abandon it. I want to confirm that I will be writing more and hopefully be able to showcase my other writing pieces. I am super excited to see where the future takes me and I hope that you are too. Thank you for joining me in this journey. I hope you like what you've read from my blog and possibly continue to read more.
Stay positive, have a nice day and enjoy!
I shouldn't have put everything to an end. When it was all spread out, work looks so small. Not until you have to finish something in a short amount of time do you realize that you are screwed and need to get your life together. I am no procrastinator so why am I right now? I'm trying to juggle it all, 4 more reading logs and 5 more blog post. Yeah, the number seems like a small amount, but if you try to write them yourself, you will understand that those number vanish away right when your fingers hit the keyboard. Oh, how stupid of me to think I can finish everything within a weekend, two days turn into one and here I am sitting in front of a laptop, writing some nonsense when I should be asleep.
Though, I tell myself I deserve this. It's the consequence of not doing my work. I had the whole semester to do this just like everyone else but I somehow abused it as well. I always talked about how I do so much work for the class, but look at me now, struggling like everyone else to do the same thing. I'm not going to lie, I am currently half asleep, trying to be deep and write a beautiful piece at the same time and how is that going? I have no idea, I guess you will be the one that could tell me.
Stupidity, that's what I would like to call my actions at the moment. I had so much time, but I didn't use them wisely. I brushed it off like it was nothing, but it was more than that! I knew it was more than that yet I just brushed it off. Although, I am doing whatever it is at the moment, it makes me think of people in my class. Are they done? How did they get things done? How could I get myself to be done like them? Then I stop. No answers were given. Suddenly, angered was all I felt. Half of the people in my class probably won't have their work done and here I am sitting in my bed, working my butt off to finish everything I could with the best thing I can give. Is that stupidity or just..... a random word that you can think of ?
Stupidity, these actions reflect me, but not my work ethic. I am productive and I write a lot. Like I said many blogs ago, writing two blog post a week is hard so I try my very best to post at least one really good one and satisfy not only my readers but also myself. Has it worked? Yes, but now, I'm not so sure. So sorry you have to read this in confusion. Hopefully, I can get myself together for the other many blogs still need to be written.
Though, I plan to write a more in depth blog post about this, I just want to briefly state that I want to keep this blog going, so me possibly posting 30 posts won't be the last time you see me. Once again, if you are reading this, congratulations, you've survived World War Three.
Since I can't upload the original version, here's a pretty cool cover of the song, enjoy!
Things were going great and nothing could make me happier, until you walked away, I realized how broken everything was. So, I looked and tried to find peace, but nothing was there. We had it all, but we took it for granted. There's no point of turning back now if you won't ever come back because many times I told you I could forgive you, it never worked out. I don't know how to forgive you, so forgive me for trying. We built it up so high and now I'm falling, it's a long way down.
You told me to stop because everything was going fine. You saw positivity even when I'm clouded by those negative ones. An island, we found but things got sour as I lost myself within these deep thoughts. Remember that day you told me that we were going to stick by each other no matter what? Well here we are now today, without you, scared and lost. It's too late to turn around, I lost it all because I couldn't forgive you. It's scary, I'm falling-it's a long way down.
I hope you catch me when I land to this new world. It's a such a long way down and time is going by so slow. I hope that you are there with me as I reach the no return.
Okay, so I said I wasn't going to write about One Direction anymore...but I lied. I couldn't help to write this piece because the song is so beautiful. It makes me think of a specific time in my life where there were moments I look back to friendships or things I have done that maybe I could change. One line especially, talks about forgiving someone, but you don't know how and I relate to that a lot because at times I feel that I put myself down and it's just not good. I would try to reason with myself on why I did certain things and then it ends up going no where because I had no idea how to forgive. So yeah, if you haven't checked the song out, you definitely need to because I think many people can connect to it.
Look around, you hear and see things you may or may not wish to see. With those actions and words, you reflect it on yourself. You start to wonder if those things that you hear and see are something you do. You stop yourself, look back and smile because you realized you cared. Then again, as the smile grew bigger, a frown also appeared, if I cared, do other people care too?
I noticed something. We are a dishonest group of people. We are so scared of the outcome of being a truthful person, we believe that following this "norm" thing will make everything alright. Whenever we are asked a question, we seem to avoid telling the truth at the very beginning. This may be because a lot of people are afraid of perspectives and judgements they'll receive.
Another thing could be that there's people who are in denial. I look around in my class when a teacher ask us a question and no single hand was up to be truthful. To be fair, I, myself don't even put my hand up because I am scared. Admitting to something knowing a possible consequence is hard. People then start to "common strategy" this and continue to take these actions until they become a routine. It's a habit, a bad one. We try to fix it, but we continue to follow through our bad actions because we don't know how to fix the problem.
How can we fix something like this when some don't even know that it's an issue? We need to reflect and start finding ways to be honest with ourselves and look at how we can use this to help society. Start looking, seek for problems and solve them. Let's try to be somewhat honest with ourselves and others.
If someone is in a situation that makes you uncomfortable, would you give a hand? Would you do something about it or be a silent bystander and continue to let those actions happen? What would you do?
Recently, I found a mini series on ABC News called What Would You Do? and basically the show uses hidden cameras, and establishes everyday scenarios, capturing people's reactions. These reactions range from ones you expected to the unexpected reality. The series are about 7 minutes or more and within that little timing, it teaches us on how society reacts to extreme situations.
For example, I watched an episode where they had a child wanting to be a princess, but he was a boy for Halloween. The mother of the boy said no. The purpose was to capture the actions and reactions the people in the store had. Keeping in mind the mother said no in fear of her son wanting to be a girl. Many mothers were against the child's side, believing that it isn't right for kids to wear costume that wasn't meant for their gender. This theory even passed down to kids when they were asked, so it makes me wonder something. Do our parents really have influence on what we think? Of course! These kids are still very young and we are constantly taught that our parent knows best. If a child sees that their parents disagree with certain things, they will follow that action and thought.
Then, another thing why do we define ourselves through clothes? Why does any clothing have a gender? We should be able to wear whatever we want whenever and not be judged because it doesn't fit society. It's shows like this that takes you a step closer to this reality. Screens and false words blind us to have our own thoughts that we make terrible assumptions. What Would You Do? is relaxing for me to watch because I feel that it makes my brain exercise and think of ways I would help out.
If you have never seen the show before, definitely give it a try because I like said, it is not that long. It's a mini series that's at least around seven minutes. Let me know if you watched it and how you felt after watching some of it.
Whatever the reason behind this, we will get our way out together. For the time being, let’s look at what we’re doing wrong. So many mistakes are made and so many heartaches we’ve created. The darkness of myself won’t bother me but the fact that I can see someone else’s shadow consuming them does. One that knows what it feels to be alone should never pick on ones like them. It’s cruel and pathetic to think that to gain happiness you have to swallow someone else’s. I never understood what it meant until I saw it with my own eyes. That’s when I realized that everything was wrong. Everything was a mistake and everything is imperfect. We make ourselves set up these goals-hopes and dreams, that sometimes we forget the reality. I mean hopes and dreams are great but at the end of the day it will find its way to hurt you. Remember when we all thought everything was okay? Well, it’s not. All around us, things will be our business and we can’t control that. We will enter someone’s life and then we will leave them. It just depends when time will let us see it. One day, we will be okay again, but today, I’m just the same.
Looking back at this piece now, I wanted to do something more with it, but I just couldn't. It was there by itself and nothing was to change. With a piece like this, I think that many people can relate to it. Instantly, when reading, you may think of bullying, but it could also be about struggling an internal battle. It's all about the perspective of those who read it. You think of one thing while others see a new picture. Keep that in mind, you are you and they are whoever. Choose who to focus on.