Writing has always been hard for me and I feel like it gets even harder around this time of the year- a new year. All the things that happened fall upon your lap as you look back to the mistakes, regrets and the beautiful outcome it had in your life.
December has always been one of a really good month for everyone (I'm hoping). You have the holidays where you get to spend time with your loved ones and appreciate all those times you have together and then the time to collect thoughts and memories held within the year.
2015 was a rollercoaster. I don't know if it's just me, but I felt that a lot happened this year that it's quite hard to forget. So many events happened that we know it's going to be talked about again in the future and just the impact of those situations translating to our actions.
I am sitting here at 3 in the morning wondering what there is for me to write. Throughout this winter break I had, I've been meaning to write something special and meaningful, but never got the chance to because no words could express my emotion. Although I am here now, I don't know how well I'm doing.
2015 was a big year not only for me but to many others as well. Within a year, I learned more things about myself than I could've maybe 5 years ago. I found my passion, love and focus. I got to know myself in a way I don't think I even understand and knowing that I'm doing alright makes me feel.... good.
For a few years now, I came to realize and accept that I am very negative towards myself. I am always a positive person towards others but felt the need to pick on my own flaws. Knowing how low I was, I felt the need to give up and believe those thoughts I had towards myself. 2015 is change, it represents change and that's what happened to me.
Coming to high school changed my perspective. It helped me shape myself and shake me out of the internal pain I had. My eyes were re-opened and I found me, a more positive person towards myself and a new perspective.
I always try to think I am a very accepting person of others, but I didn't fully believe myself until this year. Coming from grade 9, I was taught from day one that we define our own success. Of course, I've heard those words many times before, but I never took the time to listen to it. I would pressure myself into perfecting everything even though I know nothing is perfect. I would tell myself things weren't good enough when they were. If I didn't speak to someone who dealt with the same situation as me, I don't think I would be the person I am today.
Having this new perspective changed me for the better. Sometimes I seem careless, but I think that's me stopping myself from stressing out. If I let things go and try my hardest, knowing I put lots of effort into it, that's my success. I don't need to look at others and compare myself to make me feel bad and think that's a motivation. I think that's unhealthy. It's totally fine if someone find other's success their motivation, but I think that's weak. Your motivation shouldn't be based on others and their actions. Your goal should be something for you, focus on you and change your life. If you constantly compare yourself to other people and make yourself feel bad thinking it's okay because that's how you'll improve, that's really unhealthy.
Moving on, this seems weird, but I want to take this time to thank the year. It was a perfect timing for many events. Things felt right to happen in 2015. Even though we live in Canada, it was exciting to hear about the gay marriage rights being legal in all 50 states in the United States. The world came together to celebrate an event happening in one single country. I find that beautiful because it's another step of breaking down those diversity walls (if that makes sense). We are screaming for change and different and we got it in the most beautiful way possible.
Change: something that impacts our lives. Can change be memorable or should it be forgotten? Change in perspective, is it always good or do we need to change that changed perspective? Impact, did it destroy us or did we destroy them?
I'm running out of things to say because this is not something I can finish. It's a continuation of the years before that I didn't write. It's me attempting to reflect the year and how it impacted me. Although, I felt that I didn't touch much on what I originally planned to, it's okay. Thank you all that read my blog and is reading this right now. You are very important to me because you are always there to listen. I hope you had a wonderful year, here's to more.
Farewell 2015, see you soon 2016...
Sadly, I couldn't find the original version to the song, but this cover is also amazing. Definitely check it out if you haven't, enjoy!
If I could fly, I'd be coming right back home to you. Nothing can tear us apart because you are my everything, always my everything. Ask me whatever you want and I will give it all if I have to. Please don't hurt me as I'm slowly tearing myself down for you. Pay attention, this won't take long. I'm at my weakest moment, just for you.
Only you, I'll show what's inside this broken heart. Only me, promise to never forget who you are. I slowly see half of me in a lost dream as you slowly walk away. Know me, I beg. All anyone could ask is for your love. Your soft smile and your beautiful laugh. For your eyes only, it's my whole world. For your eyes only, I'll show you my heart.
I still got the scars. Those wounds don't fix themselves that's why I need you so much. The constant reminder of the pain caused wash away every time you touch me. Our love that can never be written can solve all the problem in this world. I am numb by this new realization, all I could do is write you a song.
For crying out loud, look at me. Hear my love out because I don't want to lose something so crucial in my life. Right now, I'm completely defenseless, what do I do?
Only you, I need to show you my heart. Only me, never let me go. I saw what was missing when you left. Desperately asking you for one more time. I need you to stay. For your eyes only, watch our love grow and blossom into this beautiful creation. For my eyes only, all I need is you.
Can you feel it? My love bursting through these words. What do I do? I've been going out of my mind. Haven't heard from you in a while. Is it over? Am I wasting my time? Only if I could fly, then you wouldn't run away from me.
For your eyes only, I showed you my heart. And when you were lost and lonely, I was there. Apart of me is missing because you took it. That's okay because you finally know me. If I could fly, I'd be coming right back home to you. Maybe then, we wouldn't be so apart.
If I Could Fly is one of the best ballads One Direction has ever produced by far. I've been a fan for quite a while and saw their music progress. With their new album, they showed variety of materials that is made just for their fifth album. When expressing my thoughts towards this record, I always find myself speechless at how beautiful the melody of it is. I can't really say anything more. The piano builds up and up and you just continue to carry this hopeful love, you never want it to end. You can hear them crying out for their love especially through their lyrics. I'm incredibly happy one of the members wrote this song because it's definitely one of their best work. Great work boys!
The rain continues to fall as the storm stirs up the city. Everything was ruined. It was a mess, all of it is destroyed and I could only watch as it continues to happen. Things were falling apart right in front of me. I couldn't do anything, I was helpless.
I looked outside the window again, lightning continuously hits the surface. At this moment, the room went quiet, until the thunder once again crashes. It felt lonely, being here all by myself when everyone tries to abandon me. Does no one want me? What did I do wrong?
Light, that's what I'm supposed to be, but I failed. Madeline cried because of me. She wasn't happy, and that was because of my stupidity. I lost control, but it felt so great. It was amazing to have that much power that I didn't want to let it go. How could you? When you have so much control, you never want to let that feeling go. It's as if it was some sort of drug that was inside of me and my reaction was the effect of this high. It's addicting and I want more of it.
The door opened, light eyes Perseus entered the room, "Hello," he greets softly. I nodded back to him. We barely spoke since the incident and it is quite scary because Perseus' reaction could be anything. Well, he already freaked out in front of me before when I was taking those actions, but no words were spoken afterwards. I'm quite surprised he hasn't tried to hurt me yet. I was ready for his pain, but they never came.
"What you did, it wasn't okay." He sat down on my bed. Perseus looks tired, exhausted and just not healthy. I found my seat next to him and sat down.
"Although, I cannot tell you what you can or cannot do. That is your choice and you happened to do that. Please do not ever, I mean ever speak to Madeline with that tone or attitude again." He looked out the window as he spoke, trying to hide the fact that this situation really bothers him more than he wants me to know.
"Madeline. She cannot take comments like yours well and it is just no good. I am not sure if she is ready to see you yet because I myself, think that it would not be a good idea. Though, that does not mean you will not apologize. You will and I will make sure of it." I nodded, agreeing with what he has to say. Guilt is completely washing over me. Sophia, where are you now to lead me to a better place. Why did you have to leave me here all alone? Why did I ever agree to come to this place?
My mouth starts to itch and once again I lost control, "I want to go home." I blurted out. Perseus quickly turns around facing towards me, his eyes grew wide. "You, you want to leave?" He spoke in disbelief.
I couldn't tell exactly what he was feeling, but I am definitely sure he wasn't happy about that. "Oh," was all that left his mouth. Did I really want to go home?
Perseus slowly got up and walked to the windows. His face tense up for a second and soften as he turns around. He took a long sigh and nodded, "If that is what you wish to happen."
His eyes were the lightest I have seen as he looked at me and gave me a weak smile. Not long after he return gazing through the windows and left me alone to pack my things. This was it, I was going home-or so I thought.
how did you like that part? hope everything makes sense. i tried my very best to describe the situation, but at the same time not because there are things I must keep to myself to enhance the story/plot. enjoy!