This is it, the 30th post. Should I try to write something fancy? I learned a lot about myself during the time I got to build up this blog. Writing has become my go to thing when expressing myself and I feel that I am exploring and improving my skills with posting on Khoutra. I hope that everyone enjoys their time here in my blog and like the work I put out every few weeks. It is an incredible experience for me to be in Futures Forum class because I felt that I won't get that much opportunity to write whatever I want in class afterwards, so I just want to make sure that everyone knows how appreciative I am of this course.
I want to continue this blog as long as I can because I truly enjoy writing posts! Blogs are almost like a diary. You can write and post almost anything and I feel that it's a good feeling to be able to express yourself verbally.
I'm trying not to make this blog post long because I don't want to make it feel like a goodbye post or that I am going to abandon it. I want to confirm that I will be writing more and hopefully be able to showcase my other writing pieces. I am super excited to see where the future takes me and I hope that you are too. Thank you for joining me in this journey. I hope you like what you've read from my blog and possibly continue to read more.
Stay positive, have a nice day and enjoy!
I shouldn't have put everything to an end. When it was all spread out, work looks so small. Not until you have to finish something in a short amount of time do you realize that you are screwed and need to get your life together. I am no procrastinator so why am I right now? I'm trying to juggle it all, 4 more reading logs and 5 more blog post. Yeah, the number seems like a small amount, but if you try to write them yourself, you will understand that those number vanish away right when your fingers hit the keyboard. Oh, how stupid of me to think I can finish everything within a weekend, two days turn into one and here I am sitting in front of a laptop, writing some nonsense when I should be asleep.
Though, I tell myself I deserve this. It's the consequence of not doing my work. I had the whole semester to do this just like everyone else but I somehow abused it as well. I always talked about how I do so much work for the class, but look at me now, struggling like everyone else to do the same thing. I'm not going to lie, I am currently half asleep, trying to be deep and write a beautiful piece at the same time and how is that going? I have no idea, I guess you will be the one that could tell me.
Stupidity, that's what I would like to call my actions at the moment. I had so much time, but I didn't use them wisely. I brushed it off like it was nothing, but it was more than that! I knew it was more than that yet I just brushed it off. Although, I am doing whatever it is at the moment, it makes me think of people in my class. Are they done? How did they get things done? How could I get myself to be done like them? Then I stop. No answers were given. Suddenly, angered was all I felt. Half of the people in my class probably won't have their work done and here I am sitting in my bed, working my butt off to finish everything I could with the best thing I can give. Is that stupidity or just..... a random word that you can think of ?
Stupidity, these actions reflect me, but not my work ethic. I am productive and I write a lot. Like I said many blogs ago, writing two blog post a week is hard so I try my very best to post at least one really good one and satisfy not only my readers but also myself. Has it worked? Yes, but now, I'm not so sure. So sorry you have to read this in confusion. Hopefully, I can get myself together for the other many blogs still need to be written.
Though, I plan to write a more in depth blog post about this, I just want to briefly state that I want to keep this blog going, so me possibly posting 30 posts won't be the last time you see me. Once again, if you are reading this, congratulations, you've survived World War Three.
Since I can't upload the original version, here's a pretty cool cover of the song, enjoy!
Things were going great and nothing could make me happier, until you walked away, I realized how broken everything was. So, I looked and tried to find peace, but nothing was there. We had it all, but we took it for granted. There's no point of turning back now if you won't ever come back because many times I told you I could forgive you, it never worked out. I don't know how to forgive you, so forgive me for trying. We built it up so high and now I'm falling, it's a long way down.
You told me to stop because everything was going fine. You saw positivity even when I'm clouded by those negative ones. An island, we found but things got sour as I lost myself within these deep thoughts. Remember that day you told me that we were going to stick by each other no matter what? Well here we are now today, without you, scared and lost. It's too late to turn around, I lost it all because I couldn't forgive you. It's scary, I'm falling-it's a long way down.
I hope you catch me when I land to this new world. It's a such a long way down and time is going by so slow. I hope that you are there with me as I reach the no return.
Okay, so I said I wasn't going to write about One Direction anymore...but I lied. I couldn't help to write this piece because the song is so beautiful. It makes me think of a specific time in my life where there were moments I look back to friendships or things I have done that maybe I could change. One line especially, talks about forgiving someone, but you don't know how and I relate to that a lot because at times I feel that I put myself down and it's just not good. I would try to reason with myself on why I did certain things and then it ends up going no where because I had no idea how to forgive. So yeah, if you haven't checked the song out, you definitely need to because I think many people can connect to it.
Look around, you hear and see things you may or may not wish to see. With those actions and words, you reflect it on yourself. You start to wonder if those things that you hear and see are something you do. You stop yourself, look back and smile because you realized you cared. Then again, as the smile grew bigger, a frown also appeared, if I cared, do other people care too?
I noticed something. We are a dishonest group of people. We are so scared of the outcome of being a truthful person, we believe that following this "norm" thing will make everything alright. Whenever we are asked a question, we seem to avoid telling the truth at the very beginning. This may be because a lot of people are afraid of perspectives and judgements they'll receive.
Another thing could be that there's people who are in denial. I look around in my class when a teacher ask us a question and no single hand was up to be truthful. To be fair, I, myself don't even put my hand up because I am scared. Admitting to something knowing a possible consequence is hard. People then start to "common strategy" this and continue to take these actions until they become a routine. It's a habit, a bad one. We try to fix it, but we continue to follow through our bad actions because we don't know how to fix the problem.
How can we fix something like this when some don't even know that it's an issue? We need to reflect and start finding ways to be honest with ourselves and look at how we can use this to help society. Start looking, seek for problems and solve them. Let's try to be somewhat honest with ourselves and others.
If someone is in a situation that makes you uncomfortable, would you give a hand? Would you do something about it or be a silent bystander and continue to let those actions happen? What would you do?
Recently, I found a mini series on ABC News called What Would You Do? and basically the show uses hidden cameras, and establishes everyday scenarios, capturing people's reactions. These reactions range from ones you expected to the unexpected reality. The series are about 7 minutes or more and within that little timing, it teaches us on how society reacts to extreme situations.
For example, I watched an episode where they had a child wanting to be a princess, but he was a boy for Halloween. The mother of the boy said no. The purpose was to capture the actions and reactions the people in the store had. Keeping in mind the mother said no in fear of her son wanting to be a girl. Many mothers were against the child's side, believing that it isn't right for kids to wear costume that wasn't meant for their gender. This theory even passed down to kids when they were asked, so it makes me wonder something. Do our parents really have influence on what we think? Of course! These kids are still very young and we are constantly taught that our parent knows best. If a child sees that their parents disagree with certain things, they will follow that action and thought.
Then, another thing why do we define ourselves through clothes? Why does any clothing have a gender? We should be able to wear whatever we want whenever and not be judged because it doesn't fit society. It's shows like this that takes you a step closer to this reality. Screens and false words blind us to have our own thoughts that we make terrible assumptions. What Would You Do? is relaxing for me to watch because I feel that it makes my brain exercise and think of ways I would help out.
If you have never seen the show before, definitely give it a try because I like said, it is not that long. It's a mini series that's at least around seven minutes. Let me know if you watched it and how you felt after watching some of it.
Whatever the reason behind this, we will get our way out together. For the time being, let’s look at what we’re doing wrong. So many mistakes are made and so many heartaches we’ve created. The darkness of myself won’t bother me but the fact that I can see someone else’s shadow consuming them does. One that knows what it feels to be alone should never pick on ones like them. It’s cruel and pathetic to think that to gain happiness you have to swallow someone else’s. I never understood what it meant until I saw it with my own eyes. That’s when I realized that everything was wrong. Everything was a mistake and everything is imperfect. We make ourselves set up these goals-hopes and dreams, that sometimes we forget the reality. I mean hopes and dreams are great but at the end of the day it will find its way to hurt you. Remember when we all thought everything was okay? Well, it’s not. All around us, things will be our business and we can’t control that. We will enter someone’s life and then we will leave them. It just depends when time will let us see it. One day, we will be okay again, but today, I’m just the same.
Looking back at this piece now, I wanted to do something more with it, but I just couldn't. It was there by itself and nothing was to change. With a piece like this, I think that many people can relate to it. Instantly, when reading, you may think of bullying, but it could also be about struggling an internal battle. It's all about the perspective of those who read it. You think of one thing while others see a new picture. Keep that in mind, you are you and they are whoever. Choose who to focus on.
This is frustrating. You try to write anything possible, but your heart isn't in it. Your mind continues to tell you to write whatever your heart desires-but it doesn't want anything at the moment! At this point while I am writing this, I have gone through at least 7-8 paragraphs of writing what I think is nonsense, I've been just starting over piece over piece. It's not even a writers block. It's a.....writers' heart, loving block?
At first I was writing about observations and how those we see and hear reflect on our own actions and personality, but it just didn't work out so I stopped and went back to my 12 942 409 drafts that I have and found that I started writing a piece about how we are all in a dishonest society. It all ties up with the introduction of being observant.
I didn't bother finishing the writings at all because it just doesn't feel right. Yes, I can make the words appear on the screen and just continue to type up whatever it is, but if it's not interesting why do I bother to continue? This is exactly what I'm feeling right now. Whatever this writers block thing is, needs to stop. I'll continue to write until it goes away, but there's no guarantee good work is being put out.
Believe me, I have tried everything that usually gets me creative and all super pumped up to write. I tried reading other people's blogs, listening to James Bay, then other artist and even took a break from writing and read whatever I had back to myself. NOTHING. It is so frustrating because as much as I need to post a certain amount of blogs in a certain amount of time I have, I will not be publishing crappy blog posts like some of my peers have been producing.
Sorry to say that but if you are reading this and you happen to be in my class, you know it's true. You've said it yourself. Everyone is never always good at something instantly. A lot of people compliment me with my writing, but they never realized that I struggled to get to where I am today. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this in a blog post already but I'll say it again because I think it's super important for people to understand that it takes practice and true passion to succeed.
I used to hate writing because I knew I wasn't good. English isn't my first language so, I was already struggling to learn everything. Still today, I have a lot of troubles with my tenses, I will unconsciously switch from past to present. I never wanted to write because I felt that it just made me feel worse since I don't know how to fix it. Then, somehow, this transformation occurred within me around grade seven and eight and I just wanted to try writing. I was growing up, and I was reading more. Writing became an interest, and I wanted to know how people can write such a beautiful piece. So I started writing little things, testing where my mind takes me and that's it, that's where it all began. Of course, I continued to tell myself that my writing wasn't good so that motivated me to do better. I look back and ask myself what I could do better or what were the things that I did in a piece that was really well done that can be transfer to another piece. As I did that, I got myself here, where you are reading now and how people see me today.
Okay, so writing that wasn't as bad as I thought, but I have no idea if I should post this or not. I like to think that it is good though that I feel this way and I'm writing a lot even if it doesn't get publish. I have grown to be comfortable and used to this blog that I feel I can say whatever I want but still be able to get my message across. Anyways, if you see this post (if I do choose to post), congratulations, you survived World War Three.
*Yes, I did say this to my previous post too but oh well*
I need to find him. I was determined to find Perseus through all this dark, light nonsense. He needs to help, he needs to know and understand. What exactly did he need to know? I'm not fully sure on that but I know it revolves around me. As selfish as that may sound, I need this.
My mind is constantly filled with emotions and thoughts I've never experienced with before and it's totally something that's strange and different. I don't wish to vividly imagine hurting myself in any way, but I don't know how to fix everything when I feel so broken down. Constantly my thoughts go back to Perseus. At the moment, he seems like my saviour. So, let's hope he is.
The first thing I knew I had to do was go to Madeline. She was the easiest target to reach Perseus, so I slowly made my way back to her apartment, also known as the demon place. Whenever I find myself in that atmosphere, I tend to lose it. Although, it's super hard to control myself that time because Madeline was just so weak, it was a perfect opportunity that can never be missed.
Before I reached the door of Madeline's place, a rush of wind circled around the streets, up my spine and down my throat. Quickly, my body collided against the wall and my breath tightens up, "What the hell do you think you're doing here?" Perseus growls as he wraps his hand around my neck. By this point, I was off the ground, shaking away to save the little life I had. I couldn't say anything as I start to panic, at that moment, I felt like my time has come. I was going to die today. The thought of me dying freaked me out. Perseus wouldn't kill me though, right? Who knows, both of us are so unpredictable, that's probably why we were able to handle each other at times.
Everything that I have done flashed through my mind as Perseus continues to hold me in the same position and I starting to lose my breathing. It was getting harder and harder to consume air. Sophia, I'm almost there. Then, something cold touched my body, it was the ground. Immediately, I coughed trying to catch for air. Perseus brushed himself off as if he has touched something dirty, oh yeah, me. He took a step closer, "I said, what the hell do you think you're doing here?"
I was scared for my life. Of course, I knew the consequences of coming to Madeline's place, but it was the only way to reach Perseus, even if it could risk my life. I knew I had to. For a whole minute, the silent air was filled with my constant cough, still trying to catch air. He really does get stronger when he's angry like everyone said.
"Well, I-I need to talk to you." I tried to say to Perseus, but I don't think he was fully listening to me. So, I spoke again until my voice was heard, "I need to talk to you, please."
He didn't answer back. All he did was look around and then started to walk away, "You are not worth my time Alderam." Knowing that he was going to run away from me, I started up getting up to meet him. At this point, I was desperate. I needed help and I don't know where else to go. "I think I'm falling down. I don't know what's wrong with me. I constantly wish to be here or wherever that place you tried to lead me into. Perseus, I need your help. Please." I begged him to the point where I feel like I was going to cry.
Everything, doesn't make sense. I am utterly confused and my mind is constantly not with my heart because I don't know where my heart is. The thought of me freaking out, makes me freak out even know. Slowly, my breath tightens again, my heart is racing faster. Everything was spinning, and I could not control myself.
I need him, I was determined to find him. Although, when I did, things were still going down. They were black and blue, so broken like me. I have fallen down this hole I cannot get out of. It's dark and scary, I didn't know what to do so I just keep falling, until I collapsed.
Temptation and desperation. It went so well together, it was harmful. There it was, lying there. I watched the screen turns black and reached out for it, but told myself not to touch it. I am stronger than this. I don't need this metal to complete myself. All I need was me, sitting here, and write down my thoughts. I cannot finish a piece. Why is that? I've been doing so well, too well I fell. Think about it more, I told myself. My heart begins to quicken. My mouth sealed shut. What was I doing? Thinking became my maze. What happened? I do not know.
I looked at the clock, the actions repeat. Heart raced faster, and the room got more silent only to be consumed with Ed Sheeran's voice. Monday, it was all due on Monday I reminded myself. How am I supposed to be done everything on Monday? Stupid. What? Stupid, you should've done all of this in time. You left it all last minute that's what happened.... oh
I couldn't speak and I was confused. I had no idea what was happening and it just felt like Spotify's advertisement made it so much worse. As the seconds goes by with the ad, I felt the need to runaway from it. The music just kept getting louder as it kept playing faster, I couldn't contain myself. Everything came crashing down and I don't know what's happening to me. It's not a panic attack, I think. It's just a sense of reality hitting me way too hard. I didn't spend my time properly. I couldn't finish things I needed to. I'm just going to write and keep on writing.
This is one of only time I feel super vulnerable right now because I would always be able to keep myself together but at the moment, I am everywhere. Temptation and desperation? I don't even know why I wrote that. Maybe it's the temptation to find an easy solution to finish all of this. Find ways to get help and do less work. I knew that was definitely something I'm not going to do. It showed my sign of desperation. I want things to be done, but at the end of the day, these work needs my own stuff.
This is actually concerning me that I am freaking out about writing this much. I probably should take a break, but there's many more things I need to work on. If you are reading this, congratulations, you survived World War Three.
It's so easy to lose all the meaning of who you are. You'd like to find excuses and blame anything and everything except the truth, that's you. Was it beauty? Was it money? Was it power? Was it fame? What's the meaning and purpose behind all this game? We have come so far that we lost ourselves. Things will never be the same again, so we wrote a song about it and sang out loud.
They always told us to be careful how we play our game. I wish we listened to them because look at us now. Funny how it all goes around. We chose, build, kill, praise, and hate ourselves. Things continue to be the same and nothing is changing.
I lost my soul, I lost it all. I had everything but nothing as it all seems to fall. I thought I had you, oh how was I wrong? Funny how it all goes around.
History repeats itself and I am no where but stuck here, alone. Like I said, I lost my soul, I lost it all. How could I possibly come back from this fall? Oh I was wrong, I don't know where to go. Funny how it all goes around.
I can see it all now, how messed up we all are. Every flaw, scratch, scar of the world, I see them. Yesterday, I called a friend I loved and told them about my struggles, but was constantly asked to give. Obviously, those words were hurtful, but I could not show them. They don't care anyways.
They said they cared, but do they? They shaped me, but break me and blind me to guide me. Funny how it all goes around. I lost my soul, I lost it all. I had everything, how could I let things fall? I thought I had you, oh how was I wrong? Funny how it all goes around.
You hear the cries and listened, I heard you cried but couldn't. I told you to never let me down and you did. What all went wrong? I lost my soul, I lost it all. How could I possibly come back from this fall? Oh I was wrong, I don't know where to go. Funny how it all goes around.
Tori Kelly is someone I listen to when I need the inspiration to write. She is able to make me feel certain emotions that I cannot explain. Her album, Unbreakable Smile, is an amazing record. Funny is one of the songs that is in her album and I really like this song because she was able to use irony through her lyrics.
It talks about getting lost through the time and change, realizing how the impact doesn't just revolve around one person. I'm guessing for her, it has to do with something in the music and entertainment industry. Growing up 'famous' and being an artist. It can be hard for them because they don't know who to trust because some people are there just for the money and the glory, but never realize that it's not always the case.
To look at it in a better perspective, I thought of struggling. People always say that you find out someone's true self when you're at your low point. You notice who is supporting you through thick and thin and watch those that flee away because issues pile up.
I love the pre-chorus and the chorus. It has such a beautiful meaning to it and whenever I listen to the song, it makes me think about my life and how aware I can get having people around me. "If you lose your soul, you lose it all. If you're at the top then brace for the fall. Surrounded by faces, no one to call. Funny how it all goes around." It hits me hard whenever I hear or see those lyrics because I've been into many situations where I pour my heart and soul into a friendship, but get nothing in return. By getting something in return, I don't mean in a gift or those type of ways. I meant getting the same treatment. Friends can be blinded by things they chose to ignore and most of the time, that's what happens. It helps me to chose better people in my life and it seems that every year I get happier as I try to find the right people to be with.
Anyways, if you haven't checked out Tori Kelly, that's a must! Her vocals are killer and her songs are out of this world! (She makes me feel like I'm in a relationship or in a break up.) Enjoy and have a wonderful day!